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Life in the World of a Girl Named Cassie

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ugh [08/15/08 5:12pm]

to be quite frank about it, im tired of my dad always being fucked up all of the time. its annoying. and worst of all- hes probably going to lose his job because he binges out on coke all night and then cant wake up for work in the morning. but i guess thats okay to him.

its pathetic.

=) [07/15/08 7:38pm]
[ mood | blah ]

So, I got to hear the heartbeat of my little baby today <3. That was the coolest thing ever.

Ive been on cloud nine lately but for some reason I can not rid myself of the past either. Cause wouldn't that be the WORST case scenario right now? I mean, damn. Here I am picturing the end of any kind of bullshit and being so thrilled with the idea of no more worrying if it will be about me and andy for the rest of my life...........then the past comes creeping in....and says "you just never know what could happen. you better not think its all that good!"

its a little fucked up. And i know he knows i think about it because I REFUSE to humor him with good talks about his friends that are female. I just "hm." and change subjects. It's rediculous. I am rediculous. I need to relax.

Other than that, I was supposed to be owning a Chrysler 300, and I did- for a week. Then it had problems with the trans, and so Andy said fuck that. I did too. We went back, knowing that the finance papers hadn't fully gone through yet (so we could get our money back)- and the fuckin dickhole dealers tried hardballing us into just switching for a Toyota ( of course they did it was a Toyota dealership!), and they also tried teling us that the papers had gone through (liars!). After 5 hours yesterday and 3 hours today of arguing with this fuckwad....him CUSSING AT US.....and threatening to go all the way to their corporate office- he finally gave us an IOU for our money back

i hate dealers.

anyway, i guess thats all folks.

Might As Well Update [06/6/08 2:23pm]
I havent written in a while. Sorry for anyone who still reads? I just mostly keep in touch through gayspace now so....

Anyway

After almost losing my scholarship I found out im not. My cumulative GPA saved my sorry ass.

Then I found out that Im pregnant

And thats what my worlds about now. Finishing school and becoming a mom. wow. what a fuckin surreal thought.

best way to put it. [03/28/08 11:17pm]

[02/17/08 12:31am]
 in a world that keeps on spinning i keep on thinking of you. And in a fucking abyss i reach out for you- knowing youll never grab my hand. It really makes me pissed. Just cause as i think back, it always was like this. And ull call when ur crying or if you trip and stumble- and as soon as i catch up to you to help....as soon as ur back on ur feet......ull run. and its great. but then again- i understand. Cause who am i anyway? I never was the first pick so whatever. Friendships can be like relationships...full of shit.

As for me, personally, I believe ill be okay. As long as i dont expect anything i cant be disappointed. right? "ur the only one who understands me. Sometimes, I just need to talk to you. I dont know why i even bother trying to talk to all the other people. Ur the only one who gets it and gives me the advice i need. Ur the best". pft.

heh [02/6/08 7:34pm]
Well, college started. 2nd semester. Im so freaked out and nervous because it got really hard. Then theres the side of me thats like "would you have a little faith in urself?! ur smart!" 

in all seriousness though, last semester my GPA proved to be 3.2. If I dont maintain a 3.0 GPA........I lose my stars scholarship. I cant lose that.

Andy and I are lovely. We're (crossing fingers) moving out next month! We're gunna be living at my mom's but that's okay because my mom is probably going to VA soon.

Right now I have a pair of pants in the dryer. I remember they used to fit me SO good. I wish I could gain weight. No one understands how much that bothers me. I seriously go through drawer after drawer looking for something to wear and when I realize that I had to get rid of a lot because they didnt fit me anymore cause Im so tiny......I cry. I cant even shop really because its so hard to find things that fit. I lost my ass. =(. its not funny.

I wish I could just fastforward my life a little bit because im stuck on inbetween being behind and being where i want to be. it sucks. I want to start my career. I want to get married. I want to gain weight. I want to hang with my friends. And all of that.....is currently on hold.

i guess its time to update [01/11/08 3:15pm]
Well, Im getting ready to head to work. I currently am waitressing at Winslow Family Diner off of williamstown Rd...so anyone in the area that wants me to be their bitch for a half hour or so can come and see me :).

Andy and I are doing okay. I don't like to brag because it seems like everytime im so sure...things just come crashing down. so.....we're doing okay.

He sold the chevelle. Which.....I dont want to comment too much about. Im pissed off but atleast the bills are caught up.

He started his new job at the power plant for the military. This should bring about big changes for us. It better...because I swear to god his brother does everything in his power to fuck with our relationship because hes jealous. or something. or maybe im crazy. We'll go with im crazy for now...

*sigh*. In the meantime, Im going to start saving money too because there are things that I have to do. And money speaks louder than words :).

[12/20/07 2:00pm]

Confession until Death [12/8/07 11:52pm]
Andy,
This letter I am going to write to you. If you havent realized, I leave this journal for anyone to read who cares enough to click on my info on AIM and to click on this link that will lead them to here. This has been my journal for the public to read since I was 12 years old. I dont care who backdates, and reads how much of a dork I was. This is the best definition of me. I am posting this tonight, in hopes that you will take the time to read this. I dont care who else reads this either- because its the truth.

I am in White Haven, PA. right now. I am supposed to be spending a night to myself. And I have. I've been spending it with my old neighbor Anne. You dont know Anne. But she has known me for quite some years now. In fact, she knew me when I still was going through the divorce with my parents. You may think that I went up here because she is my friend and we are apart right now. This is partially true; however, I am also up here to clear my head. Which, right now, I want to tell you something that has occured to me. It is important. And I will always say it's true. I don't care how old I am.

Andy, you came into my life about a year and a half ago. It was insane. I saw you- and as dangerous as you seemed- I still felt for you. This was....the night I met who you were. Now, to anyone reading this, I was obviously a girl with a crush. How familiar right? Every girl with blood rushing through her veins develops crushes. However, contrary to what they may believe, Andy you are the one person who has...how do I put this? Touched my life in a way that can never be replaced.

We are apart right now. Lets face it, as strong as my feelings are for you- I am still human with my flaws. If you read past this entry, you will see how many struggles I have faced, along with my many complaints and fuck ups. I am 19 years old now. This is a young age. You are 26. You have your independance and many friends................I..................well, I have my friends.......but that is neither here nor there for me.

I am not here to talk about my friends. I am here to talk about you. Andy, for a year and half, I have devoted my life to you. When I turn 40 years old, whether I am with you or not, I will admit who you are to me. You are my love. You are the person I never thought I deserved. You are the person I described to a T while sitting in the diner with my friend Amanda. Andy, I have described you, met you, belonged to you, and lost you.

Yes. Let us face it. As much as we love each other still, I have lost you. Because......while this world tries to be a lesson in the making for all of us............it fucks us too right? Yes. I lost you. In fact, I remember specifically almost. The day after Thanksgiving you left right? And its been up and down and turned around since.

I know that you are not mine. I know. But I also know how much I love you. I do. You are the most amazing person I met. And I know what you are thinking. I have heard this before. Right? Yes. I know. I know I am not your first. And I also admit today that I probably will not be your last.
However...........Andrew...........I hope that this entry is available for you to read until you are 495284 years old. I do. Why? Because, while it is easy for you to say that we are apart.......or whatever it is you say...............I can not deny who you are and always will be to me.

You're probably not even reading this anymore. And I dont have any magical words to make you change your mind and come back to me. but, I will say this. I am sorry. I wish I knew what you expected. I wish I knew what you loved about me. I wish I met you.......maybe some other time when I was stable in a career and happy with who I am. Because, andy.........I know you do not believe this- but I described you to a T before I ever even met you. Its scary.

I know right now you are undecided in your feelings for me. I know you love me........but you dont quite know how much. But I know how much I love you. And I am taking this time right now........to let the world know that- including you. I dont have any magical words that seperate me from the rest of the female population that is interested in you. I dont. And I probably never will. But, so long as I live.........Andrew Sobolewski........you will be a person I have always and always will want and love. Why? I don't know. I can't describe it. Its the way God made you I suppose.

I wish I could have done more for you. I wish I could have been your dream. Why? Because you were and still are my dream. Its a disgusting way about me. but it is absolutely true and always will be. I dont have magical words or promises or attributes to portray to you. I don't. And if you find someone better.........well, what else can I expect? Its not your fault. Hell, exactly what have I done to deserve the love of my life?

Andrew, I just hope you never forget me.In my picture.........the one you always said you liked........underneath is written the same thing. Why? Because in a melodramatic way, I knew this was going to happen. I was warned of it........But I dont care how much you change. I dont care how far away you go. This confession will live until I die. It will always be here. And, I just want you to know that it will always be true.

Your brother was right. I will always be here. Why? I dont know. How? Because I love you. Yes, I am 19 years old. Yes. I am younger than you. Yes, perhaps I have issues i need to figure out still regarding myself. But in regards to you......I will ruin my reputation........I will ruin my wellbeing.........I dont care what it costs. I love you Andy. and if you turned around tomorrow......and told me I never meant shit.....or if you turned around tomorrow.....and said I always meant everything..........

IT WOULDNT CHANGE. I dreamed you, I had you, and I will die as the one who always loved and wanted you. I am juvenile. I am paranoid. I am fucked up. And if that's what keeps me from having you- so be it. But that will never keep my heart from beating. That will never change the words I write for the whole world to see. Andrew Sobolewksi, I would be your wife tomorrow. And I will be your wife today. I would have been your wife yesterday too. Why? Because you are the one I have been waiting for. Irregardless of whether I was the one you were waiting for.

I just wanted you to know that. And I really. Really. Really. Hope you will remember that forever.

[12/7/07 5:52pm]

and after all that- Winslow Diner calls. Training Monday

[12/7/07 3:19pm]

Weekend: PA

Monday: interview with Bankers Inc.

Tuesday: college

Wednesday: interview with Petes Diner.


Busy.

perfect description? [12/2/07 4:45pm]

[12/1/07 7:49am]

You keep saying that you haven't left yet. Yet. You keep saying if you wanted to leave you would have left already.. . you said this over the phone. Besides the car ride, its been over a week since Ive seen you. I dont count the car ride because it really wasnt what I expected. I didnt expect a cold conversation and no progress towards making things right. It feels like you left. Everything that has happened says you left. How am I to think any differently by what you say? Because in the next breath, you are so confused and frustrated. You may not have left. But in my eyes, your in the process of leaving.




out of all the things I didnt trust.......There was one I did. That youd be there.

and you wonder why I dont trust.....


[11/29/07 8:40pm]

I was born into this
Everything turns to shit


...and I pray this life is just a dream...

your lips look like they were made for something else but they just suck my breath [11/28/07 6:41pm]

 The space that is between us continues to grow with the nuclear waste of your indifference. Surprisingly, my breakdowns come in short little spurts and last for merely minutes instead of hours. Most of the time I tell myself to shut the fuck up and keep truckin. I dont have time to waste on caring about your uncaring ways. How see-sawed this once wonderfully balanced safehouse is.
How twisted is your view of me that you are convinced I love you because of the sex? Are you that egotistical and shallow? Perhaps you didnt see me staring in awe at you all of those times when you were on one end of the couch and i on the other.

I asked you why you love(d) me. You couldnt answer. The sweetest thing you could think of doing was to question my need for an answer. Or saying "because its you." Because its me. Well, see, me- as defined by you- is a "lazy incompetant bitch". Since you screamed those words at me and called me back 2 times to tell me that, this is what I see. I am what you make me. I am the clay you mold between your hands. Now with all this silence, Ive become cold and unbending laying in front of the mirror and knowing how ugly I am.

You can go on for hours about how I fucked up. I could go on for hours about why, even though you hurt me and break me down, I still love you. I understand I didn't have a job. I understand the strain it places on us. I understand that. Lets not discuss that any further because Im trying to get a job. Im waiting with 2 pending right now. Funny huh? Cause, I dont care.

Everyone told me I was your heart. I completed and complimented you. How true is this? With the bitter cold wind in my face and your warmth no where in sight, I wonder. If I was your heart, then why haven't you stopped to just call and say "I miss you and Im sorry." Or fuck the apology. I know I'll never get it from you. But you havent broken down once as far as I can see. If I am your heart, why is it mine that has stopped beating?

You said I tasted famous so I drew you a heart, but im not an artist Im a fucking work of art

*sigh* [11/7/07 12:05pm]
I am trying to stay on the up and up right now. I dont know where to begin writing but i know i have to write to get some shit off my chest pronto.

I am so tired of living with his brother. He doesnt care. Hes happy with everything right now so the idea of me and him and our little life.......doesnt ever come across his mind. Ever. And i am once more placed to simmer in my disgust on the backburner.

Last night Andy was joking around with his brother and crystal and said how he was going to throw a ball out of the truck at 70 mph and tell me to go fetch. Not very funny. Then his brother chimes in with "yeah well shed sniff her way back home! Your not gunna get rid of her!" Not very funny at all. Then andy decides to lecture me. Apparently I cant take a joke.

Did I mention how I hate living there?

My thrill with college life is basically gone. Now its just work and inconvenience. Its boring and basically unchallenging. I mean, not that i know all the answers to every question......but its not very....hm....whats the word? Its just all so irrelevent to life.

My only friend right now that I can rely on to be there...is Kitty. Im dealing with it. But im flooded with memories of Amanda. and Deanna. and I get so pissed off because each promised to atleast keep the fuck in touch. Guess its only good to call me when you need something.  

I didnt get my period last month. I took two tests....came out negative. So now im like o_0?

I also want to get in my car...and drive until Im so far away I don't know where I am....

....or until I hit a tree.

[09/30/07 5:35pm]
I dont know what to bring to this table. Perhaps it just bothers me that he wont dream in realistic standing with me. Everything is posed by me and agreed to by him. Well, almost agreed to. Everything "would be nice" instead of "will be nice". Maybe its my razor sharp yearning to get the hell out of this place that im forced to call a home with him. And for now, being as lax as he is.....home is a place that is content for him. Money will carry him to the next day instead of the next year or even the years to come. And as discontent I am with the ties he has with his brother and our ex boss Scott, everything will continue on its winding rocky path.
But whatever. Im going fishing tonight. with my dad. and im going to let the ocean breeze wash away the knots in my stomach, and ease the fact that Andy told me today that hes spending christmas with crystal and his brother. as if every other day wasn't enough. Once again I am forced to smile and understand that it is his family even though all his brother wants to do is fuck him royally out of the asshole for every cent he has....and even though his brother talks immense amounts of shit on me.
Looks like hes taking lessons on how to treat a girl like a bitch instead of his beloved.

[08/25/07 10:52pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I dont know what to think of him anymore. I feel like a yo-yo. Or a ragdoll. Or a piece of shit. I gotta sit on the back burner while he tries to figure out his financial bullshit. Which is.......bullshit. If its love than hed let me go through the thick and thin with him. But for now, all of my shit is at my dads, Im not his baby anymore, and I have the word "Jackass" glowing above my head. (Theres a lot more that comes with that story but hell, thats the jist of it. Or atleast the most recent update.)

My stepbrother is helpless. I cant stand trying to help him anymore. And his little fucking crew just uses me for rides and shit. And im sorry, but i cant be nice all the time. And when one of them paid me $10 to run their ass to WOODBURY and FUCKING BACK.......*sigh*......it just doesnt go that far. All the times I ran their ass to the corner store for this or that. But whatever. Its my fault. I thought I could help my stepbrother see a little light if I helped him out. But the other day he tried to O.D. on his pills and had a knife in the other. its useless. im just waiting for him to die. and it sucks. why it sucks i dont want to get into. Once more "Jackass" glows brilliantly above my fucking skull.

My friends cant keep the fuck in touch. Or make a few plans like we used to. Whatever.

Im so broke I started working at Scott's again. there's a fun filled story that comes with it too- cause Andy lost his job and then I got hired back. And now im in the middle of them fucking talking smack. Im just tryin to make some money I didnt sign up for all of that. Andy's mad cause I didnt really try to get the rest of his paycheck that Scott kept. He thinks I didnt have his back. And with everything previously mentioned in this nice little entry, I bit my tongue. Plus, lets not get into all the times his brother talked shit on me and he stood there and laughed like it was a joke......

Im letting my brother take care of my myspace music account and basically the fan shit when i get up and running. We were off to a good start- until he didnt transfer my friend list........or sign up with the MUSIC PART OF MYSPACE. which, I wouldnt be so upset with....but considering everything else thats been going on......i just told him to fix it and went on my way to go find a blunt.

So im looking for a blunt. I drive all the way to my stepbrother's because "oh we'll have it we'll have it." then i get there. and they dont. A wasted trip. Once more im aggrivated. and it just is tipping off my day so nicely like a cherry on a hot fudge fucking sundae.

Then I get home, and Stephanie and my Dad are good and high.

just shoot me in the face. Right in the face.

[08/10/07 10:22pm]

i know its hard to admire this girl
with so many bruises and dressed in stained lace
her wings broken bloody and halo so bent
she knows damn well shes not heaven sent.

she never promised pretty
and so she told little lies
you sewed up her lips 
and stiched up her eyes.

i know its hard to admire this girl
i awake feeling like maybe she wont be my world
but im ever so awkward, disfigured, and vain
her reflection is mine. we are the same.

[07/26/07 11:44pm]

my tears were the secret you wiped from my eyes. i wanted to be so strong and just throw my caution to the wind with you. cause i knew at night youd calm my anxious heart in your arms. it was something so fragile but you gingerly made your way with it. you thought i stopped and left you running. didnt you see me clinging to your knees? didnt you feel me there? i didnt mean to trip.

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